What you should know before you obtain a pet rock!

Make sure you are committed to providing your pet rock a good home and a safe environment.

Many people think having a pet rock is a simple thing and don’t consider the commitment they are making when they bring a pet rock into their home.

One of the first considerations one should make prior to obtaining a pet rock is size. If you live in an apartment it probably is not a good idea to obtain a boulder-sized pet rock. Even if you live in the suburbs a boulder-sized pet rock is probably not a good idea unless you have a wheelbarrow to carry in which to carry it.

Conversely a pebble sized pet rock may not be appropriate either. They are easily lost. In addition if you have a toddler that could be the end of your pet rock.

Personally, I like a pet rock that easily fits in the palm of my hand or the pocket of my jacket. This allows me to take my pet rock with me and let it get out into the fresh air and sunshine which it has enjoyed for eons before I took it from its home.

People ask me if you can teach an old pet rock new tricks and my answer is unfortunately you can’t. Since all rocks except recently formed volcanic rocks are old, it is doubtful you will ever find a rock that is young enough to learn new tricks. But don’t worry. If you selected a nice rock as a pet you are likely a passive person who would not teach any pet any tricks.

And that is another reason pet rocks top my list of pets. In fact here are best reasons to have a pet rock.

1. They don’t need to be fed.

2. They don’t need to be housebroken.

3. They don’t roam

4. They don’t need to be neutered

5. They need brushes, or collars, or leashes or other equipment.

6. They don’t need attention

7. They don’t need to be walked

8. They don’t get sick

9. They don’t die

10. If fact except for a little tender dusting they don’t need anything.

Here are some don’ts

1. Don’t take your pet rock swimming; it will sink like a rock.

2. Don’t name your pet rock; it will not come to you when called.

3. Don’t tell your friends about your pet rock, they will think you are crazy.

4. Don’t let little boys play with your pet rock; they may throw it at you.

5. Don’t worry about who will take care of your pet rock after you are gone. It will be okay; it managed to live for millions or billions of years without you.

6. Don’t expect pet rocks to be watch rocks or guard rocks. They could care less if someone broke into your house.

7. Don’t try to breed your rocks.

8. Don’t mention the word aggregate or crushed rock around your pet rock.

9. Don’t let your pet rock lie on the same place on the grass for a long time; it will turn the grass yellow.

10. If you must name your pet rock, don’t name him Rocky. That is the name of my pet rock.

Often I am asked if a pet rock can be taught to swim. No. A pet rock can only be taught to sink. Do not sink your pet rock in water deeper than you can safely retrieve your rock from. Also make sure the water is clear, many people lose pet rocks each year in murky water. It is hear rendering to hear the stories of anguish from guild ridden owners.

What duties can a pet rock perform? Some people use their pet rocks to smash car windows. I absolutely don’t condone this practice. For instance if you throw your pet rock at a moving car and it breaks the car window and ends up in the seat, you may well probably lose your rock as the car speeds away. People who practice using pet rocks this way are insensitive louts.

Do some kinds of rocks exhibit more intelligence than others? My experience is no. Igneous rocks show no more intelligence than metaphoric rocks or sedimentary rocks. They are all as dumb as a rock. If I heard any claim about one type of rock being smarter than another I would be very dubious of that claim and demand evidence. Rock hard evidence!

There are some things your pet rock can do well. For example, pet rocks enjoy being door stops. They can see who is coming and going, be out harm’s way. Teaching your pet rock to be a door stop makes it feel it is doing something worthwhile.

Pet rocks make ideal paper weights. Take your pet rock to your office and put it on a stack of papers and it will sit there glowing in pride, feeling great about the job it is doing for you.

It has been reported some unscrupulous persons will use their pet rocks as anchors for their row boats. While, I have not found a substantiated case of pet rock anchoring, there are known cases of using wild rocks as anchors. Whether the rock is a pet or wild it should not be used as an anchor.

The most inhurock thing I have heard of is pit rock quarrying. Essentially, large rocks that are minding their own business are ripped from their beds and reduced to aggregate, slabs, or some other form, all for the convenience of humans. This practice has been going on since ancient times. The numbers of rocks whose forms have been changes over the eons are countless. I would suggest that anyone who is against pit rock quarrying join the Stop Pit Rock Quarrying movement. It is a worthy cause.

Perhaps the most important thing you must consider before you obtain a pet rock is what is going to happen to it after you die. Of course a pet rock can subsist in any environment, but would you really want your pet rock to end up on the rubbish heap? The answer is probably no. There is no reason why you can’t be buried with your pet rock. As far I know there are not laws prohibiting a rock from being buried with its master or mistress.

Imagine how comforting it can be to know that when it is time for you to go, your rock will be with you. It will be in the casket with you, sitting there for the coming ages. Sitting there doing nothing as you dissolve into dirt. Then, your rock will again find comfort nestled in your remains.

I hope this helps anyone who is seriously considering a pet rock. And remember there is no such thing as a bad rock, just rocks that are badly thrown.