Volcanic ASHWIPES Now!

The Icelandic Volcano Eyajafjallkokll, which according to the AP is pronounced Ay-yah-FYAH-plah-yer-kuh-duhl , is one big pain in the ash! The ash is causing the airlines to ground planes in the UK and throughout northern Europe. Fortunately, it seems the volcano is not spewing its contents much above 25,000 feet. If it were to reach 30,000 feet there could be a chance the sulfur dioxide could condense forming clouds that would block the sun. In addition the precipitation could be particularly nasty causing a potential for acid rain and cooling.

When the nearby Katla volcano erupted in the late 1700’s the weather became so cool that the Mississippi River froze just north of New Orleans. Meanwhile in Europe the Volcanic clouds that resulted from 1783-1784 eruptions created famine and helped spark the French Revolution.

The US government realizes this. Using its keen perception of the obvious the government believes, “Volcanic eruptions are harmful and everything possible should be done to stop this one and to prevent future eruptions.”

Some claim not much can be done to stop volcanoes from erupting. However, others state that is old thinking. We need to change our thinking. Already the president is contemplating the appointment of Dr. Ima Crackpot as volcano czar. Dr. Crackpot is the only person in the world to hold a terminal degree volcanic ash wiping.

Once Dr. Crackpot is appointed he will call a meeting of all nations that have active volcanoes and threaten them with sanctions unless they do something to curtail their volcanic activity.

The president said, “The people have suffered enough through the centuries from Volcanoes. That is why one of my top priorities is global volcano reform. Under Dr. Crackpot I plan to establish a Department of Volcanic ASHWIPE (Actively Sharing Hysteria With International Populations Everywhere).

It will be the job of the 87 departments in this large and complicated bureau to do as little as possible while claiming to make large progress while employing tens of thousands of people and spending as much money as possible. .”

The president then went on to say "Anytime an active volcano becomes inactive we will claim success. Anytime an inactive volcano becomes active than the blame shall be placed squarely where it belongs, on climate change and those obstructionists who question what I do".

The volcanoes in Hawaii are one notable exemption to being shut down. It is feared if the Hawaii volcanoes are shut down there will be a negative economic impact because tourists will no longer come to see the spectacular lava flows. Also, according to Dr. Crackpot little ash is spewed into the atmosphere from the Hawaiian volcanoes.

Sarah Palin, ex governor of Alaska is quoted as saying, "Sure dem Hawhyee volcaneoes are exempted. But what about Alaska? Der are volcaneoes in Alaska, you can see dem from Russia."

The special action group WE SUPPORT VOLCANIC ASHWIPES believes it is important that you let your congress person or senator know that you support Volcanic ASHWIPES so they can provide extravagant pork barrel spending for projects that will do little or no good but sound noble.. .

Call 555-ASHWIPES now and tell your legislators to remember our slogan! Spend, baby, spend!