Are Hamsters a better alternative than uranium for electrical power?
By Keith S
Shocking! Hamsters Generate Electrical Power!
Obama Puts Hamsters High On Renewable Energy List!
President Obama announced today that Hamster Power will become a big part of his quest to bolster American's renewable energy resources. He went on to say that a group of hamster researchers at a leading Southeastern University have recently announced that Hamster Power could be the wave of the future to serve the nation’s energy needs.
He told members of Congress today that a team of researchers has proven conclusively that in controlled laboratory tests hamsters could generate more
electrical energy than uranium. “I am excited,” President Obama is quoted as saying. “Hamsters may well be the antidote to global
warming.”
IObama proudly points to the fact that The hamster researches are being funded by money from the Federal Stimulus Bill. Researchers assured PETA that no money is used directly to stimulate the hamsters. The furry little animals only generate electrical power when they wish to hop on their wheels.
Do you believe the United States should make an all out effort in developing hamster power ?
See results without votingDick Cheney fears Hamsters May be A Terrorist Plot
What the Republicans Say
Although former VP Dick Cheney is anti hamster power, leaders of the Republican party are examining the hamster issue now.
They see pros and cons and are waiting to see what their colleagues across the aisle think so they can take the opposite point of view and make an issue of it to divert the attention of the voters from more important issues.
The White House is strangely quiet on the topic. There is much conjecture the president’s children who own two hamsters named Harry R and Nancy P are pressuring their father to rally the White House to be against Hamster Power.
T Boone Pickens Shifts to Hamster Power
Pickens backs Hamster Power
While the debate goes on T Boone Pickens the Oklahoma energy tycoon is moving his money from wind power to hamster power.
According to Pickens “There are too many people like the Kennedys who don’t want giant windmills ruining their views.
However, we can build a crappy looking cheaply constructed building to house 20 or 30 million hamsters,, call it urban renewal, and nobody will complain..
Besides, having the source of electrical power in the urban areas instead of located in Texas means we don’t have to build power grids.
Learn more about the exciting world of hamster power
According to the leader of the hamster research team, "A hamster will generate more electricity while the animal is running in a wheel than a comparable mass of uranium will generate when placed on the same type of hamster wheel"
The researcher explains that as the hamsters run on their wheels they act as power, much like water or wind acts as power to rotate a turbine and generate electricity. Meanwhile, despite the fact uranium equal in mass to that of a hamster was placed in a similar wheel, the uranium could not propel the wheel and generate electrical current.
The research team claims claims they repeated this experiment a number of times with the same results.They all agree in that “We have definitely left the coal age, and with hamster power will skip over the nuclear age. “
Gore takes credit !
Gore Discovers Hamsters
When asked what he thought about the scientific breakthrough, former VP, global warming alarmist and Nobel Prize recipient Al Gore said, “I invented the hamster wheel. That was just a short time after I invented the wheel.”
But the multi-talented Gore who has one of the largest carbon footprints of any private citizen did not stop there.
Mr. Gore also claims to have invented hamsters.
Windmills Becalmed
Critics Claim Hamsters Are Nocturnal
Critics of hamster power claim the nocturnal habits of the hamsters mean they will only generate electricity when electricity is least needed and be sleeping during the day time when peak power is required.
However, Dr. Rodent’s team has shown this potential dilemma can be resolved as easily as flipping a light switch. They say by keeping the hamster power station dark during the day will bring the little guys to their wheels, and simply by turning the lights on at night the nocturnal creatures will go to their resting places.
Harry Reid Votes
Proponents of Hamster Power also point out that hamsters, unlike wind are dependable power sources. The wind may or may not blow. If the wind doesn’t blow there is no electricity.
Harry Reid, the Democratic Senate Majority Leader is for Hamster Power. According to Reid it makes a lot more sense disposing of hamster droppings in a mulch recycling center than it does disposing nuclear waste in his home state of Nevada.
Hamsters Are for Children to Mistreat
People Against Hamster Exploitation Protest Hamster Power
However, animal activists are critical of the harm to hamsters that generating electrical power may cause to individual animals as well as the species.
According to an anonymous speaker of the organization PAHE, People Against Hamster Exploitation, the only thing worse than using hamsters to generate electricity is slavery. PAHE (pronounced pa he.) claims that hamsters should not be exploited. They were meant to be mishandled and mistreated by little children, not packed into power generating wheels to provide power for the people.
Hamster Dispoal Solutions
Recyling Power Generating Hamsters
Questions do remain regarding what do do with hamster waste, and also the bodies of the furry little rodents who only live two years or so.
A green gardening supply company is currently testing the potency of Hamster waste as a fertilzier. It is mixing
hamster waste with dirt and marketing it in ten pound bags under the name
Hamster Power for The Plants! It seems the product is not only adequate as a fertilizer but is a big success among those who wish to save the planet.
The pelts from hamsters that have died of old age may be used for trim on clothes, replacing the dog and cat fur that has aroused the ire of animal activists.
The parka hood shown to the right is fringed with hamster. Those who have worn the product claim that there is nothing like hamster fur to shield your face against the icy blasts of winter.
There are rumors that interested parties are negotiating
with a Pacific Rim company that claims research has shown that there is a market for frozen hamster in many parts of Asia. According to the source hamsters are just the right size for dipping into sauces with chop sticks.
By all signs things should look rosy for Hamster power. It is clean, economical, electric power. However NIMBY obstructionists (not in my backyard) have already started lawsuits that would ban the use of or building of hamster electrical power centers.
Some of the fears voiced by NIMBY obstructionists are:
· Natural catastrophes such as hurricanes or earthquakes damaging hamster power facilities and unleashing tens of thousands of the furry rodents on nearby communities.
· Other NIMBYs fear that greedy corporations will not remove waste and there will become a hamster waste problem.
Comments
than you k@ri
what a clever take on a very interesting story.. who knew?
Hilarious hub! I loved how it was a combination of creativity and humor that was based in actual facts.
Great job and congrats on the HubNugget nomination!
Really funny. I am going to send it to my friends.
Hamsters power!!! Wow! Congratulations for being a Hubnugget Wannabe! Keep on promoting your hub to your friends Keith and enjoy the Hubnuggets! To monitor the happenings on the Hubnuggets, click on this link: http://hubpages.com/_143/hub/as-the-hubnugget-turn
Congratulations on your HubNugget nomination! Don't forget to promote this hub to increase your chances to win!
LOL, this could help the economy a lot! A whole new hamster droppings harvesting industry will spring up. Wonder how much it pays to be the guy who picks up the pellets and plunks them one at a time in a bucket. :)
Funny hub, thanks.
LOL you crack me up. Great Hub!
Oh, my, this is just too much fun. Thanks so much for starting my day off with a laugh, and keep up the great "Hubbing". Congratulations on your nomination.
Oh wow...I'm devastated! I owned several hamsters as a child (all named Homer - I wasn't a particularly creative kid) and I could never, ever condone such savage treatment and blatant exploitation of such beautiful creatures! This tops ant farms (aka SLAVE LABOR) on my list if "Big No-No's"
;)
This is very good satire and lots of laughs. Kudos to you, sir. Later!
thank you Kosmo. Do you think satire is a disappearing form of humor?
I disagree strongly with your research, which I consider flawed. As my comments would take up too much space here, I've published a hub to deal more extensively with the matter, including data of my extensive research into the subject.
Sigmund Fraud, - The Old Firm.
You guys are really funny...LOL
i hope we can keep you laughing
Yes you guys surely do....hehe
Wow... this is great invention.It is true or some kind of joke. But I hope it is true. Because all over the world try to discover new alternative to saving and replacing the old energy.
You made it to top 5, congratulations!!! :D
What an idea!! Great job, great hub!! 2 funny!! = )
thank you kim
How funny! I love this article!
Wow! I was just going to spend thousands on a wind generator. I'm gonna go get a hamster and generate my power for a couple hundred bucks. You saved me a small fortune. Thanks!
Go To It GreenGardenGuy,
Pass the word on to all your friends about hamster power. Its good for the environment, its good for energy, its good for hamsters. It is a win win situation.
Keith....Lovely example of illustrating the absurd with the absurd...Thanks for this gem of satire...Larry
Hilarious! You put this together perfectly! :)
thank you tom
Next will be genetic engineering to produce bigger, stronger, faster wheel-turning hamsters!
i like your idea rmcrayne! What else would America produce except bigger better hamsters. However, the issue of cloning would then rear its ugly head. I can see it now, People Against Cloning Hamsters.
Our tests have shown that by combining the Hamsters onto a common shaft that the total electrical output is increased exponentially. This shaft then drives a high efficiency “Brushless” generator with “Nano-bearings” which have to be cryogenically cooled due to the high speeds encountered. (We tried magnetically centered air bearings, but the hamsters wanted to keep turning ninety degrees to the direction of the wheel) We have decreased the amount of Iron in their diets and may re-visit this technology.
The generation wheels themselves are a marvel of engineering. We attached “Radial Vanes” to the circumference of each wheel and directed the airflow across miniature “Air-turbines”. We are currently seeking a Patent on this “Free-Energy” and are negotiating licensing rights.
Another plus of this research is that given the right diet, such as legumes (In response to NAFTA, we are in discussions with Mexico) we are able to collect the “Wind” that passes through the turbines and utilize a “Waste-gas to Energy” form of supplemental generation. This method was especially promising until a stray static spark abruptly ceased the reaction (Sorry PETA).
An additional benefit of these little dynamos is the solid by-product (Waste) generation capabilities. We are currently utilizing these “Energy Pellets” with our latest research endeavor, “Genetically Mutated Grass Carp”. We have expanded the scope of this research to include the supplemental generation potential of “Grass Carp”. By using these genetically superior fish under controlled conditions, we can “Generate” sufficient “Hydro-dynamic Flow” to power Turbines. We are in the process of submitting our hypothesis to congress and anticipate additional Grant Monies…
I can't wait for the online degrees, MHA Master of Hamster Administration or maybe PHD Philosophiae Hamster Doctor... We can call it the new BROWN economy, for the color of the hamsters and their droppings. Then someone on Wall St. will start trading hamster dropping credits and Washington will tax it. People who don't use hamster power will have to buy credits from the hamster ranchers. They will feed the hamsters switchgrass and fertilize the switch grass with hamster droppings...We may have stumbled upon the ultimate renewable energy source!
Yes instead of Cap and Trade it will be Crap and Trade.
Good news! Lenny, one of the most politically savvy Hamsters down at Norma's Ark, Feed, and Grain has officially announced his candidacy for Governor of the State of California. Considering that these little devils will reach voting age at about 4 months and can have up to 20 pups in a litter, by November 2009, Lenny could have approximately 7 billion votes coming his way. Recognizing the potentially adverse impact on lawmakers currently in office, HETP is sponsoring a petition which supports harnessing the wind energy generated by Congress. If this bill is passed into law, it should power North America well into the 22nd Century, or at least until the congressional representatives can start collecting their Social Security.
Sure - and hamsters will be so much fun to train to do it. I can see a whole new career for myself, getting them to work themselves to death. Never tasted the meat yet. Is it oily? And what about the excrement????? Can't we get some methane or whatchmacallit out of them too? Hey, I do know they're nocturnal, for what its worth.
what is nocturnal?
what is nocturnal?
Neat piece of info, was useful for what i needed it for, hope to read some more from you if you have anything, always a pleasure to find information that is useful
k@ri 2 years ago
LOL, This is wonderful! I am all for getting hamsters out of the mistreatment of children and allowing them to be productive members of society! :D